So much has happened in the past week. We had a few really good days with Noah. Claire was promoted to advanced gymnastics. Ethan got sick. We cancelled his birthday party. Claire played amazing soccer. Claire got sick. Mark and I have been up with both kids the past few nights, administering ibuprofen for fevers, comforting, changing sheets, etc.
So, today, I was exhausted and I had all three at home. On top of that, Noah has become the Energizer bunny. He is so full of energy and life and movement I can hardly contain him. He is busy! So I had one that was running, grabbing, yelling; one that was starting to feel better; and one that was really sick. Yikes!
When I put Noah to bed tonight I felt like he needed some rocking time. We read our books and a Bible story and then I told him we would turn off the lights and rock. Well, right away he tried to think of anything he could to stop me from holding him and rocking him. He blew his nose, he pointed out his name on the wall, he wanted to see the clock, he wanted to get in bed. Keep in mind, these "requests" came at me in a rapid-fire and panicked voice. And the struggle began - crying, pulling away, pushing, kicking. Then it came to me: he was afraid.
I had been singing to him quietly when this hit me. I asked him if he was scared and, tearfully, he said "scared." My mind began to race with possible reasons for the fear. Was he afraid of getting too close to me? Was he afraid I would leave him? Was he afraid of being hurt? Did his birth mother rock him and hold him and sing to him before she left him? I do not know. But I felt it to be imperative that I reassure him of my constant presence. I stated my love for him and the fact that we will never leave him. I turned on the table lamp so he could see my face. And there we sat, leftover tears trickling down his face, still catching his breath from crying, looking at each other, me proclaiming never-ending love and him listening. I placed my hand on his heart and asked God to heal the hurt and pain that came with his abandonment and that he would know he is loved and secure. With that, he settled down. I hope he sleeps soundly tonight and awakens tomorrow with a fresh level of awareness of the love around him.
4 comments:
Wow ~ it's been a rough couple of days at the Hasty home! Ben and Chris have been sick as well ~ there is so much sickness going around right now! I hope you and Mark stay well! I am hoping Emmy and I stay well also.
It sounds like Noah had an anxiety-type of attack and you are probably correct in thinking that he fears getting too close to you. He is still learning to trust. He's come a long way in such a short period of time ~ I know he will learn to trust in the not-too-distant future and realize that he is in his forever-home with his forever-family. I am so happy that he has you guys to love and protect him! As always, I will keep all of you in my thoughts and prayers. xoxo
What a scary experience for you and Noah... but what an amazing mom you are for recognizing what it might be. Prayers that God will continue to heal his heart and help him learn to trust you even more.
blessings,
Nicole
Hi:
I feel for you. Lexi seemed to adjust so quickly and then all of a sudden out of the blue about 3 or 4 months home we started dealing with some violent outbursts and night terrors. Thankfully we were able to work through all of that quickly and painlessly, but not without some help.
I mention the above simply because after reading your last post I can't help but remember a moment I had last winter. Lexi was doing something rather ordinary at the time and what caught me was just how very ordinary it was and I thought wow, she has really settled into her new life. But really NOT a new life anymore, just her life. And then I had the Aha - She had now been with us, and us with her, we had been together, a family, for longer than we had not.
Lexi joined us when she was 16 mos old and I had this Aha around the time she had been home 19 or 20 months.
So hang in there, eventually the spaces filling with love will become bigger than the spaces filled with loss.
You continue to be in our prayers.
Erin Pietrasik
My eyes are sweating! What a beautiful, painful moment in time.
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